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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24609961">Stargazing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuiying_1/pseuds/chuiying_1'>chuiying_1</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Leaving [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gintama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Birthday, Gekijouban Gintama Kanketsu-hen: Yorozuya yo Eien Nare | Be Forever Yorozuya, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Out of Character, Pining, Stargazing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:02:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,181</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24609961</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuiying_1/pseuds/chuiying_1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gintoki's attempt to settle his feelings for Hijikata on his birthday before leaving for the White Plague.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Leaving [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957765</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Stargazing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>English is not my first language. And this fanfic fits this song: https://youtu.be/KZbswFDOOsY</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hand in hand with Hijikata, leaving their surroundings that were nothing more than the sounds of teenagers' excited voices and stalls' owners on a festival night, the chillness of the blowing winds, the softness of the grass being blown by the summer breeze around them, Gintoki looked up at the night sky that was full of stars, like someone had spilled a jar filled to the brim with sparkles across the wide space above their head, leaving behind a sky bright enough to let him see the face of the man next to him, enough to let him see the lights in his eyes.</p><p>Just the scene of the one who he holds dear lying down on the grass, watching stars as nothing in the world matter anymore, as his worries no longer clutching on his sleeves, was enough for him.</p><p>It was one of those rare peaceful moments in his hazardous life.</p><p>It was when his guilt did not cling onto him. When his memories were not coming back to haunt his already messed-up mind. When he could not think of all of his scars which he carried with a heavy heart filled with pain of failure. When his wounds weren't aching anymore. When he was brimming with an unknown happiness as if he was intoxicated or high on painkillers.</p><p>Wasn't he like a snot-nosed brat falling in that so called love?</p><p>All with feeling cleansed of the blood overflowing from his hands and of the lives he had ruined with only a pair of hands, feeling unable to think about the bleak parts of his mind and the dark taste of iron in his throat that could not be washed away with strawberry milk but with cigarettes, feeling butterflies in his stomach.</p><p>And only by such trivial, small things like the beat of Hijikata's heart that he could feel through the other's pulse. Or the other's temperature on his skin.</p><p>Fuck that, Gintoki was not falling in love, he was drowning. He was a dead man. He did not know how to swim.</p><p>But he would not mind that. Even if he did, he would not be miserable about it.</p><p>Because Hijikata was worth it. </p><p>He was like a mirror that showed him another version of himself, just addicted to cigarettes, mayonnaise, and still have people to protect.</p><p>And Gintoki had lost everyone. Anyone who was next to him now though were precious, but people who he had let down before were irreplaceable.</p><p>So until he was still next to him, still breathing with his soul standing straight, he would be protecting Hijikata's loved ones. He would never be devastated, even if he was the only one getting involved in this feelings.</p><p>What was more worthy to be miserable about, was the things that would haunt him when he was all alone: his failures, his inner demons, his memories. They would come out and whisper into his ears loving sounding words, but those words carry such filth and weight with them that he could not bear hearing them, and was forced to go find a fling or two, just to turn a blind eye to those demons that were roaming inside of his head by covering his own eyes with scalding lust and want.</p><p>He had been drinking to death to forget, had been fighting and running away from invisible hands that would choke him at night just to fall into their clutch again. </p><p>"Why did you leave us behind?"</p><p>They would always say that to him, voice filled with agont , times after times.</p><p>"We were comrades."</p><p>They would whisper in pain, before screaming.</p><p>Then they would once more, talk to him with a gentle voice, dragging their knife-like words across his soul.</p><p>"We trusted you."</p><p>He would never have the peace he had yearned for, even with children who he could prouly call as his own kids. How could he force them to bear his burden, his sins with them?</p><p>He had been wandering, trying to find a way to fix himself up, to give himself abother chance.</p><p>He had been going around aimlessly, trying to pick everything up to protect them in the place of anything and everything he lost, but his attempts would often end up in vain as he watch them either get broken right in front of him as he could only stare at them, or someone else would come to steal them from him.</p><p>Despite the pain, this was much better than walking around with no weights on his shoulders. Having people to care for, that was.</p><p>He discreetly dragged his finger along the man's hand and felt the skin that was roughed by fights, while seeking for the warmth radiating from his hand.</p><p>Hijikata was not like him, who was chained down by his past and his remorse. He was tied down and surrounded by thorns that he himself had built up to protect himself. To protect one who was his first and last love, Mitsuba, he would stay away from her, just to protect her from himself, from everything he could cause, even if he was the one in pain continuously.</p><p>He turned his head to look at the man beside him, who was admiring the sight of the unpolluted sky while chain-smoking. It had been such a long time since the last time Edo's sky was this clear, so he was certain that the man would spend his time stargazing until his eyes could not take it any longer.</p><p>In those sharp-looking blue eyes, he could see only the universe above them being reflected. </p><p>On those lips, he could see only a cigarette hanging.</p><p>This sight was not exactly welcoming, as he wanted those eyes to be filled with images of himself instead, wanted those lips to be spilling loving words instead, but they were things that will never come true.</p><p>As the only one he loved was Mitsuba.</p><p>And this whole idea of holding hand was just something he bugged Hijikata for. As today was his birthday and he begged for a gift.</p><p>As if Gintoki could have the heart to rip the image of Mitsuba out of his soul. It would kill him, and himself too.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>   </p><p>"Hey, Hijikata-kun." Gintoki called the man while hiccupping, as he was nothing short but tipsy, "I love you."</p><p>"That was a terrible joke, you bastard! What do you want from me?" The man yelled at him as he always do, while hitting him.</p><p>"No, I'm serious."</p><p>He kept on walking straight ahead while trying to carry the intoxicated dark-haired man back to the barracks. Steps after steps, it got heavier and heavier, but he could not stop now.</p><p>The man was flustered, and he did not utter a word for the next two minutes, leaving Gintoki hanging on the dreaded silence like a man waiting for his execution. Only after what feels like an eternity, was the stillness of the night broken by himself, who was awaiting for his own death.</p><p>"I cannot..."</p><p>He knew it. It would never end in anyone's happiness. </p><p>Why did he even decide to say this? </p><p>It would be better to just bury everything, along with a piece of his heart. </p><p>Like a foolish, suicidal death row inmate who was given the chance to choose his execution day, he did not hesitate and gave the decapitator a sword, while getting himself a blunt knife to suicide with. This love, this feeling did not deserve a quick death. It was not supposed to exist in the first place.</p><p>"Just joking, you Mayora. Who the hell can like you?"</p><p>He yelled back, hiding all his emotions behind harsh words as always, even when the man had not finish his sentence. Even when his eyes had shown his sorrow with the tranquility of a lake after a summer rain.</p><p>"Goddamn it, you asshole!"</p><p>He could hear him sighing. Was it relief that he felt?</p><p>His face was distorted with what seems like misery and anger, but his voice was filled with an unknown emotion. Though it was rare for Gintoki to not understand the man next to him, the sigh should mean that he was happy that was just a joke.</p><p>The least he could do for Hijikata's happiness, was this.</p><p>He should just let it be. It was better to put an end to this unwanted shit.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"What are you looking at me for, you bastard?" Came the normal words with an annoyed, rough tone.</p><p>He had learned to get used to them and replied them as he always did.</p><p>"Who the hell would want to stare at you, Mayora? Or is it that you want Gin-san to look at you so much that you thought I was looking at you, Oogushi-kun?"</p><p>"Damn you, you bastard! You were clearly looking at me!"</p><p>He removed his hand from Gintoki's hand. Leaving the left behind hand lonely and cold, all on its own.</p><p>"Why should I look at an atrocious sight like you?"</p><p>"Do you even understand the meaning of the word "atrocious"? I have never heard you use it before!"</p><p>"What's wrong with it? I know its meaning ever since a long time ago, probably even before you were born!"</p><p>As their usual bickering went on, he felt his heart somewhat sank.</p><p>Hijikata would always be the normal Hijikata that would not spare more than a glance to him the moment they pass each other on the streets. They would always only seek each other for a stress relief night in a love hotel.</p><p>But at least, they were once together, though he was struggling with himself.</p><p>Against themselves, against their own rattling chains, against the whole world.</p><p>As leaves flew, as snow fell, as petals swing, as rain sought, they would still be together, even when he had left, Gintoki would still be watching over Hijikata's footsteps.</p><p>Even if this relationship started out as one in which they satisfy each others' sexual urges, it was okay. Even if this relationship ends with an unspoken goodbye, it was okay.</p><p>Even if he threw his regulation of sleeping with one only one time away, as he once feared of being tied down, it was okay. Even if he must leave him all alone again, turning their life back to when they had not meet each other, letting Hijikata forget him, it was okay.</p><p>His heart could be beaten to batter, but Gintoki would not mind bandaging it himself. He was used to being the only one anyway.</p><p>He simply wanted to protect the man. And he needed a reason to do so. Even one as simple and bad as "I will miss my fuck friend". Or "It would be hard finding another one who understands what I like in bed."</p><p>"Then how the hell did I see you looking at me like some goddamn creep?" His voice raised.</p><p>"Okay, okay, whatever." He toned down unexpectedly, his head lowered. The alcohol was breaking away his normal facade, so he didn't think it would be a good idea to continue the meaningless fight.</p><p>Words that should be left unsaid was threatening to spill out through his lips, so he stood up, though not stable at all.</p><p>After a quiet moment, Hijikata managed to say something to break the silence.</p><p>"You suddenly seemed much more mellow." </p><p>"Do I?" Gintoki laughed breathlessly. "I really want to go to the pachinko parlor right now. Maybe later. Goodbye, Oogushi-kun."</p><p>Instead of staying on topic, he just said he want to go to the pachinko, and turned back home instead of the said place which was nearby.</p><p>"The pachinko is not that way." </p><p>"Don't worry about Gin-san. He knows where he's going!" He somewhat slurred on his words, as he stumbled back home in a sorry of an excuse outlook.</p><p>Once he got home, Gintoki opened the door and collapsed onto the floor after looking at the clock on the wall.</p><p>"Seems like my birthday is over."</p><p>Gintoki mumbled, as he took off his boots and tried to walk in quietly to change, so that Kagura would not wake up.</p><p>Turns out, a birthday was just another normal day for him, as the show went on and everyone was busy showing up on the sets. No party, no loving words, but it was a good thing. </p><p>Turns out, even when he had killed his feelings for the man, it would continue to last on and on, barely surviving, yet clinging to him. Must be the devil's own luck that it was still here.</p><p>Patting his chest, he talked to himself, tried to pacify his soul with no hope of success.</p><p>"Just continue until we are both exhausted. It will end."</p><p>It will end, once he walk away.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Hijikata did not know that that night would be the last time he will ever see the Yorozuya again, alive and unscathed.</p><p>Gintoki did not know how much the one who he held in the deepest part of his heart would hate both him and himself for everything he had done.</p><p> </p>
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